Look At Me
by x.lithium
Summary: Crisscolfer. Darren is always looking at Chris. That's why he knows, better than anyone, that Chris isn't looking back. Until he is.


Darren is always looking at Chris. That's why he knows, better than anyone, that Chris isn't looking back.

**On set:**

Chris is flipping through a magazine when Darren tells him that he isn't exactly strictly straight.

He isn't sure quite how he expects Chris to react, but it sure as hell isn't for Chris to not even glance up from his magazine, continuing to coo about _that cardigan oh my sweet Alexander McQueen I must have it_.

"Okay, Darren." Says Chris, when he notices that Darren is still awkwardly hovering around. "And I'm straight as a circle, so?"

"Yes, neither of us is straight." Says Darren dumbly, and _god_ he's only been working with Chris for a week and he is already so gay for him.

Darren watches as Chris quirks an eyebrow, still entirely engrossed in the magazine. Darren kind of wants to just rip it from Chris' hands and throw the stupid thing away, and maybe shove some of his sluttier college pictures in Chris' face.

But Chris is probably not charmed enough by Darren's charismatic, adorable-if-a-little-hyper personality to handle his crazy furniture jumping full body tackling side yet, and he really does want to be friends with Chris. Because Chris is elegant and witty in a way that has Darren doubled over laughing, and also ridiculously pretty. Even his _ankles _are pretty.

Darren mentally sighs. He's fawning over Chris' ankles, for god's sake.

Chris sighs out loud.

"I mean, I'm grateful that you're telling me this, Darren, but what response are you waiting for? Congratulations? Warmest of welcomes to the queer club? Or oh hey, you're not straight and neither am I, so maybe I should jump on your dick and go for a ride?"

Darren nearly drops his beloved pink sunglasses, because that was plain _filthy _and Chris is sort of young enough to pull off the blushing schoolboy routine. And wow, that has so never been a thing for Darren, but it is definitely working for him when it comes to Chris.

And now he just feels like an old man perving on his young, pretty-eyed, perky assed co-worker, because he totally _has _fantasized about some decidedly not PG-13 scenarios involving his dick and Chris.

"Er, no, my dick—not, um, what?"

Darren barely has time to mutter something about needing to get to hair and makeup before he's scrambling and tripping over his own feet away from Chris.

Not once does Chris look up from his magazine, simply flipping the page and calling out nonchalantly to remind Darren that they're already done shooting for the day.

**At Glee Live:**

Tour is fantastic. Getting to be around Chris nearly 24/7 and watching him perform almost every day is even better.

Darren doesn't feel all too bad about drooling while watching Chris do his Single Ladies routine, because seriously, that _ass _and that leotard and all that thrusting and Chris' hot little pink tongue darting out to swipe at his lips.

Darren thinks that maybe he should tone down his leering a little when Lea struts past him and in a very Rachel-like fashion reminds Darren to use a condom while eyefucking Chris because "seriously, your eyerection for Chris is getting almost hotter than porn."

But then Darren sees Cory and he is definitely ogling Chris' ass, so Darren doesn't feel too much like a sexual harasser.

Darren's skit with Chris is always fun. It's clearly a fan favourite, and Chris is the kind of talent that is bright and fluorescent, so all Darren really has to do is be there and let Chris' luminosity reflect off of him. And it's an excuse to look at Chris and maybe even touch him a little bit.

The first time that Darren realizes he might not just be lusting after Chris is in Toronto.

Chris has just fallen to the floor in a flurry of limbs after asking 'Blaine' to _join Glee club!_

Chris is looking out into the crowd, drinking in the energy and so pale he nearly glows in the wash of the spotlight. And Darren is looking at Chris.

Darren can see the droplets of sweat on Chris' neck, can see his round little teeth as he scrunches up his face and squints his eyes and laughs, happy and adorable and real.

Darren stumbles over his next line, but manages to be goofy and unscripted enough to coax another laugh out of Chris a few lines later.

He watches Chris bite his teeth between his tongue, still giggling, as they leave the stage together. He thinks that he could maybe spend the rest of his life dedicating himself to that smile.

**With the cast:**

The entire cast is just tipsy enough that they decide marathoning their own show is a totally obnoxious idea, but they decide to follow through on it anyway.

Through epic planning and strategic maneuvering, Darren manages to end up next to Chris on the couch. (Although, he may have to send Harry a thank you card for rolling his eyes and basically shoving Chris into Darren's side.)

Lea apologizes, much too somber and sincere for her state of drunkenness, to Darren about the lack of hair gel and boyish twirls as she pops season one of Glee into the DVD player. Without turning away from the television, Chris pats Darren's chest apologetically before laying his head down where the warmth of his hand seeped into Darren's skin.

Darren had watched the entire first season of Glee as soon as he was cast as Blaine, paying particular attention to Kurt's character. He was going to be playing Kurt's love interest, after all.

This time, Darren sees more and more of Chris shining through his character, sees just why Ryan Murphy created Kurt to tell Chris' story.

He sees the Chris' wit and passion and drive. He looks at Kurt's tears and knows that at the heart of that is all the heartbreak Chris has suffered and every person that's ever told him _no you're not good enough you will never be._

He looks down at Chris as, on screen, Kurt says: "I'm proud to be different. It's the best part of me."

He looks and looks and looks at Chris, wishes that Chris would look back so that Darren could tell him _you are so beautiful and perfect and brave _and _you will never have to feel alone like that ever again _and _I think maybe you don't see just how much I love you_.

**At parties:**

The first thing Darren does when he walks into a room is look for Chris.

He flits and flutters around the room and is the social butterfly that he naturally is, all the while glancing over at Chris and trying to catch his attention.

Darren had spent a ridiculous amount of time with his stylist, picking and prodding through stacks of ties and shirts and suits until they'd decided on an outfit. He'd shaved and gotten his hair trimmed, put on his best cologne, and even let his stylist put just the faintest touch of makeup on him ("Just to highlight your eyes, it'll look totally natural," she'd assured him).

Eventually, Darren gives up and subtly mentions Chris to Lea, whose eyes light up and starts chirping excitedly at the mere mention of her 'favourite sexy baby penguin'.

She drags Darren over to Chris and it takes a few minutes for Darren to realize that Chris isn't looking at him while talking to Lea, but looking over Darren's shoulder at the crew member that Chris had been hanging around with on set all week.

Lea pets his hair sympathetically at the end of the night as Darren watches Chris get into the other man's car.

Chris doesn't turn around in the car to look back, Darren knows because he watches the entire time until the car is far enough away that he can't see Chris leaning in towards the other guy anymore.

All Darren wants to do is run after the car until he can't breathe and steal Chris away and say _look at me look at me lookatme _until Chris sees him for once, but instead he takes off the suit jacket and finds an old sweater in the trunk of his car and sits in the driver's seat until his toes and fingers are numb from the cold.

* * *

Darren is always looking at Chris. That's why he knows, better than anyone, that Chris isn't looking back—until he is.

**In Fresno, California:**

It doesn't occur to anyone at all that the Glee bus is stopping in Fresno en route to their next stop, until they are actually there.

The hotel is nice and the lady checking them in is perfectly friendly, even going so far as to exclaim happily that hey, wasn't Chris raised in Fresno? The bellboy picks up Dianna's bag, ready to load it onto the trolley, before he drops it and lets out a barking laugh.

"Guess what the cat dragged in, Christopher Colfer!"

And suddenly Chris is stiff backed and slack jawed and it is absolutely _ridiculous_, because Chris is a critically acclaimed, award winning author, producer, and actor and the man in front of him is a fucking _bellboy_. But even after all these years some scars may fade but don't quite disappear, and this man still has some sort of power over Chris.

"Always knew you'd come back to Fresno eventually, I saw the way you looked at me in high school. You think that just cause you're some big shot now I'll want to give it to you up your ass, like some fag?"

This is a line that isn't supposed to be crossed, and this ghost of Chris' past has just shot by it full speed with greasy hair and an ugly sneer.

And Chris is speechless and wrecked and ashamed and vulnerable, each and every bruise and scar and hurtful word laid out across his skin for the world to pick at.

Security physically removes the bellboy while simultaneously shielding him from the cast, because Cory is shooting him the most vicious look possible ever and Lea is screeching and Naya is actually yelling in Spanish and Chris just stands there and looks at nothing at all.

Eventually, they move to the hotel across the street and the cast is tense and angry, but Chris merely laughs without meaning it and pretends that he can brush away the scars just like that. He doesn't come down for dinner, locks himself in his room and says that he is just tired whenever anyone knocks.

Charming his way into getting a keycard to Chris' room is an easy task for Darren.

Chris is shaking and crying and wrapped up in his blankets, back to the door when Darren walks in.

It isn't that Darren actually thinks that there is anything he can say to make what Chris is feeling go away. Despite his utter believe in Disney and ridiculousness, there are things that goofiness and sympathy and words just can't fix.

He crouches at the side of Chris' bed and Chris just looks through Darren.

And then Darren is kneeling on Chris' bed and pulling the younger boy up and holding Chris' face in his hands and saying, "Look at me, please _just _look at me."

He tugs Chris' head close and stays there until Chris closes the distance of the last few breaths between them.

Darren kisses Chris slow and sweet and deep, inhales and exhales Chris, tells him without speaking about every single time he's looked and Chris and wanted and hoped and wished for Chris to look back too.

He pulls Chris' body close to his, kisses him until neither of them can breathe and then keeps moving their mouths together until Chris understands just how beautiful and perfect and brave he is and how much Darren loves him. He kisses and kisses until he feels Chris' nose scrunch up and the smile stretch across his lips. He kisses until Chris associates Fresno with kissing Darren and until he doesn't feel alone anymore.

When Darren finally pulls back, Chris' chest is heaving against his and his breath is puffing on Darren's cheek and his arms circle around Darren's neck.

When Darren opens his eyes to look at Chris, Chris is looking back.

**On set:**

Darren is flipping through a magazine when he is full body tackled onto the ground. The wind is actually knocked out of his chest and when he turns his head to look, Chris is looking down mischievously at him.

Chris has the prettiest ears, sighs Darren.

"Joey showed me some of your college pictures," smirks Chris, "Pictures of the sluttier variety. Some would even say that they are of the slutti_est _variety."

Darren groans, because Joey has the _worst _pictures of him.

But then Chris leans down and whispers a scenario involving Chris and Darren's dick that is absolutely and utterly explicit and not child friendly and just plain _filthy_. Chris pulls back and grins, looking Darren dead in the eye.

Thank _god _they're done filming for the day.

**At Glee Live:**

Darren loves tour. It's practically a vacation for him because if it were up to him, he would divide his time between playing music and spending time with Chris, which is pretty much what tour is.

"God Darren can you put your eyeboner away." Lea says casually as she walks up beside him to watch Chris.

Darren now openly leers at Chris while he does his Single Ladies routine, then chases around anyone else who dares to look at his boyfriend with threatening glances.

But seriously it's hard not to, what with all that hip rolling and ass shaking. (Darren's placated by the knowledge that no one else is as well acquainted with Chris' ass as he is.)

In the middle of the routine, Chris glances at Darren backstage. He winks sassily, ruts his hips a little harder and tilts his chin up at Darren.

"Oh my god your eyeboner is going to turn into a real boner," squeals Lea, covering her eyes and walking away from Darren quickly.

Darren simply grins and looks back at Chris.

**With the cast:**

Darren is sitting on the opposite end of the couch from Chris, because Harry had somberly and sincerely apologized before basically hauling Darren up and away from Chris to the other side of the couch. "As much as we love you two," explains Harry, "There are limits as too how much we need to see, and we know you horny bastards won't be able to resist each other in a darkened room."

The entire cast has gathered to watch Struck By Lightning together.

Darren has always seen in twice, so instead he leans back on the couch and watches Chris the entire time. The real thing is way better than the one on the television, anyway.

Because the real thing smiles and stares back at Darren for the entire movie.

**At parties:**

The first thing Darren does when he walks into a room is look for Chris.

Chris' eyes light up as soon as they meet Darren's. He bounds over before leaning back and smoothing his hands over the lapels of Darren's suit. He hadn't had as much time as he'd though to get ready, due to delayed flights and dragging meetings with the record company.

Still, he'd managed to shave and put on one of his nicer suits.

"Finally, you're here!" grins Chris, "And _god _you look good."

The look in Chris' eyes is halfway appreciative and the other half predatorial.

When Darren comes back with their drinks, Heather has snatched Chris away for a dance. Chris dances much too long and too close with Heather, but he makes eye contact and looks at Darren over Heather's shoulder the entire time.

**In Fresno, California:**

They aren't scheduled to stop in Fresno, but Chris asks Ryan and everyone knows that Ryan never denies Chris anything. (And Darren still remembers the dark and intimidating fatherly glares promising painful physical torture and the gruesome death of Blaine should Darren fuck up, that had been directed at him for the first month of his relationship with Chris.)

In the dingy parking lot of East Clovis High, Chris meets Darren's eye and holds out his hand for Darren to take.

They walk into the class of 2008's class reunion, hand in hand.

Later, in the middle of the dance floor, Chris kisses Darren slow and sweet and hard. Darren kisses back. It's a chaste kiss, but long and full of all feelings that Darren makes sure Chris understands every day.

When Darren pulls back, he looks at Chris.

And it doesn't matter that they right where Chris barely survived four years of torture, surrounded by the people that watched and didn't do anything, and the people that tried, and even the people that tormented Chris.

Chris looks right back at Darren.


End file.
